MARRIAGE SOFTWARE
Written by the Co-Founder of Muslims Off The Record
This is what a woman wrote to a systems analyst (Marriage Software Division):
Dear Systems Analyst,
I am desperate for some help! I recently upgraded my program from Boyfriend 7.0 to Husband 1.0 and found that the new program began unexpected Gas Processing and also took up a lot of couch space and valuable hunger resources.
This wasn’t mentioned in the product brochure. In addition, Husband 1.0 came with an unexpected mandatory plug-in called “Mother-in-law” which somehow (via phone calls to Husband 1.0) installs itself into all other programs and launches during systems initialization and then it monitors all other system activities.
Applications such as “Flowers 3.5”, “Thoughtful Gifts 5.3, and “Tender Kisses 4.2” no longer run, and crash the system whenever selected. Attempting to operate selected “Bed Bath and Beyond Saturday” always fails and “ESPN SportsCenter” runs instead.
Attempting to operate selected “Foreplay” always fails and “Quickie” runs instead. I cannot seem to keep Husband 1.0 in the background whilst attempting to run any of my favorite applications, be it online or offline.
My anti-virus toolkit does not remove the viruses “Snoring.exe”, “Sleep Apnea.exe” or “Corny Jokes.exe” from the system and I am thinking of going back to “Boyfriend 7.0”, but uninstall doesn’t work on this program. Can you please help?
… AND THIS IS WHAT OUR ANALYST SAID:
Dear Customer,
This is a very common problem resulting from a basic misunderstanding of the functions of the Husband 1.0 program. Many customers upgrade from Boyfriend 7.0 to Husband 1.0 thinking that Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM designed by its Creator to run everything on your platform responsibly and maturely. Actually, Husband 1.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT PROGRAM disguised as an OPERATING SYSTEM while in version Boyfriend 7.0. It is a very SIMPLE program, so adding ANY applications at all will not be successful and force the system to crash. Also, if the Pakistani, Indian, Afghan, Egyptian, Lebanese, Syrian, Iranian, Bengali, Sri Lankan, Greek or Italian program version is purchased, it is manipulated 100% of the time via remote access from the plug-in “Mother-in-law.”
You are unlikely to be able to purge Husband 1.0 and still convert back to Boyfriend 7.0, as Husband 1.0 was not designed to do this and it impossible to uninstall, delete or purge the “Mother-in-law” plug-in once it is installed. Some people have tried to remove the Husband 1.0 program entirely (See manual under Marriage Counseling/Separation/Divorce). Some have also tried to install Sweet Ex-Boyfriend 8.0 but have ended up with even more problems.
Having Husband 1.0 installed, I recommend you keep it installed and deal with the difficulties as best as you can.
When there are major problems or issues, avoid using the “Find” command for the problem. This will freeze the entire system because in most cases Husband 1.0 is at fault but denies any wrongdoing. You must run the ……… C:\ MISTAKES HAPPEN\ LET’S BOTH LEARN FROM IT.EXE Program. In turn, Husband 1.0 will automatically execute the ……… C:\ MANIPULATE ARGUMENT\ BLAME WIFE.EXE Program. If you’ve purchased a Pakistani Punjabi version of Husband 1.0, you may be expected to run the ……… C:\ APOLOGIZE\ IT’S ALWAYS MY FAULT.EXE Program a NUMBER of times, in order for it to properly translate to said plug-in Mother-in-law, with hopes that Husband 1.0 will return to normal.
Because of this specific issue, the Pakistani Punjabi version is the least successful version of Husband 1.0 and software engineers have worked for decades to iron out its kinks to no avail. In fact, after much research Muslims Off The Record has found the best version of Husband 1.0 to be White Muslim Convert Husband 1.0.
Husband 1.0, though a taxing, stressful and simultaneously mind-numbing program because of its lack of conversation and predominant grumpy silences, can be very rewarding. To get the most out of it, consider buying additional software such as “Deluxe Cable 2.0” and “Lingerie 2.0” or “XBOX 360\ KINECT 600.0” and “NINTENDO WII\ SONY PLAYSTATION 1000.0” or even Several Weekly Hamburger Nights 7.2.1”. Again, adding applications is not effective, so DO NOT under any circumstances install “Hot White Guy Who Flirts With You at Work 2.1” (Buff Version) or “Facebook Friend Who Pokes You Daily 3.2”. If Husband 1.0 so much as SEES these applications, Husband 1.0 will almost certainly CRASH, even though (if you’ve purchased the Pakistani, Indian, Afghan, Egyptian, Lebanese, Syrian, Sri Lankan versions) these programs have been running the “Fake Blonde Chick Neighbor” plug-in all along! This plug-in causes Husband 1.0 to crash ONLY if it’s exposed at some point. However, when exposed, Husband 1.0 will still run the ……… C:\ MANIPULATE ARGUMENT\ BLAME WIFE.EXE Program.
BEST WISHES!
Yours,
Systems Analyst
So picture this is you, what would you do? You’re sitting in the passenger’s seat, your husband is driving, and your mother-in-law is sitting behind you because it’s a long road trip and she wants to leave the front seat for a bit. She’s always been a little mentally unstable. But at some point she doesn’t like something you say and she interrupts you by picking up a huge pack of twizzlers from the backseat and hitting it against your face. “Do you want some candy she asks?” You freeze in disbelief and say no, and continue talking. Seconds later she’s hitting a book against your face. “Do you want to read this?” she asks. The question is completely non sequitur. It’s clear she’s trying to silence you. By hitting you in the face with your own stuff. She picks up two more object subsequently and hits your face with them. You continually refuse her offers to play with these little objects and you’re confused at the baselessness of her behavior. Yet you remain classy and continue to finish speaking about the topic. You see her pushing your buttons but you don’t want to let her succeed in bringing you to her level. Your husband doesn’t say anything to his mother about her actions. The father-in-law sits in the backseat quietly, and the other son closes his eyes, pretending to be asleep. Later in private you tell your husband in a non confrontational manner, “I just want you to know that your mother hit me and you were sitting right there.” He denies any observance of the act. Instead he tells you that years ago, your mother hit him. He is referring to an engagement ceremony where your mother patted him on the back to congratulate him. It is an obvious lie to defend his mother’s behavior. How would YOU handle an unstable, violent mother in law and a son who does not stand up to her? Would you walk away from the family, keep quiet or speak up?
